Should I stay or should I go…

Oh look, you’ve found yourself on a relationship blog.

No one ends up here by accident. If you’re reading this, chances are something feels off, and your brain is doing that thing where it won’t let the question go.

When You Can’t Decide Whether to Stay or Leave a Relationship

At some point, many people find themselves asking a question that sounds simple but feels anything but:

Should I stay in this relationship—or should I go?

People often come to therapy believing this question means they’re indecisive, avoidant, or “bad at relationships.” From an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) lens, that’s not what’s happening at all. Staying or leaving isn’t about indecision. It’s a functional pattern driven by pain and values conflict.

Why Waffling Happens

When a decision brings multiple values into conflict, the mind finds a clever workaround:

Don’t decide.

Indecision offers short-term relief. No final loss. No irreversible choice. No immediate grief. But it doesn’t actually solve anything, because the question itself has no pain-free option.

If I stay, it might mean:

• Ongoing anxiety

• Resentment

• Grief

• Unmet needs

If I leave, it might mean:

• Grief

• Fear

• Guilt

• Loneliness

• Uncertainty

Both paths hurt. So the nervous system does what it does best—it tries to minimize pain by stalling.

The Stories That Keep Us Stuck

This stalling is usually fueled by thoughts that feel authoritative and urgent:

• “If I leave, I’m giving up too easily.”

• “If I stay, I’m betraying myself.”

• “There must be a right answer.”

• “I shouldn’t feel this unsure if this were right.”

• “Once I choose, I’m trapped forever.”

Our minds are excellent problem-solvers. But emotional pain isn’t a problem to be solved, it’s an experience to be carried. So the mind keeps looping, searching for certainty that never comes.

That loop is a signal.

This Isn’t Confusion. It’s Values Conflict

When we slow down and look underneath the indecision, we often find two values that both matter deeply.

Common conflicts look like this:

Connection / loyalty / compassion
vs
Self-respect / authenticity / growth

Or:

Stability / family / security
vs
Vitality / aliveness / integrity

Waffling doesn’t mean you don’t know what you value. It means you value both, and you believe choosing one means permanently betraying the other. But values aren’t one-time decisions. They’re qualities of action that can be expressed in many forms, across time, even through grief.

The Trap of Waiting to Feel Ready

Many people tell themselves:

“When I feel calm.”
“When I feel sure.”
“When the anxiety goes away.”
“Then I’ll decide.”

But that moment almost never arrives. Life isn’t something to get perfect before living it. And in case no one has ever said this to you—take my hand for a second while I say it:

Pain is inevitable.

The goal isn’t to eliminate pain, but to learn how to carry it without letting it run your life.

A Different Question to Ask

The question isn’t “How do I avoid pain?”

It’s this:

• Which choice allows me to live my values more consistently, even with discomfort present?

• Which pain am I more willing to carry in service of the life I want?

Both paths cost something. ACT doesn’t promise clarity without grief, it offers meaning with it.

A Quick Note

Reading about therapy concepts can be validating and illuminating, but it isn’t a substitute for therapy. These posts are meant to offer perspective, not personalized care.

If this resonated and you’d like support applying this work to your own life, you’re welcome to book a session with me through my website.